Got paid today but still have no fucking money. went out looking for a dress for my Mum’s 50th but couldn’t find one. :(

And these past 3 days all I’ve done is cry and I don’t fucking know why. It’s so frustrating. And it’s full on fucking crying and everyone’s like “omg what’s wrong?” and I acually have no idea. Grrrr.

Everything is slowly falling to shit. :(

Arrow said he’s be back at 8 o’clock but he’s still not here and I have no way of getting hold of him and I’m worried because I can’t help it.

And I made him his own special cupcake for our 2 and a half year anniversary and some cunt in my house ate it after I told everyone not to. :(

And I just want cuddles under a duvet on my sofa with Arrow. It’s so fucking cold in my house it’s unreal.

I’m actually crying and I have no fucking idea why. I think I just need a good cry to be honest. FUCK SAKE.

I’m excited but I’m not going to get my hopes up because every interview I get I can never get the actual job, and I’ve had a lot of interviews.

I’d do anything to get off fucking Job Seekers.

Who have a DSLR camera, and just point it at anything, don’t even bother looking through it and call it “photography.” Like those emo kids and gigs with their big camera just holding them up high, clicking the button, hoping for the best. They’re just letting the camera do the work for them. Just because your images look extra clear and focused, and better quality, doesn’t mean your a good photographer. It’s the camera doing the fucking work and that frustrates me.

I believe you can get some accidental really decent shots but it’s hard work. Garanteed those people don’t even know what half the settings on their camera mean or do. I like photos that show real thought, like interesting composition, or a different angle to what your used to, or capturing a photos in lighting that’s difficult to work with. That shows real talent and creativity.

And yeah, I’m not going to lie, I use my camera all the time instead of a small one, but I don’t consider that photography. And out of all the photo shoots I’ve done, I think I only have about 4 or 5 really good photos and I have 1000s of photos. It’s harder than people think. I may have a good camera, doesn’t mean I’m a good photographer.

Sorry, but it fucks me off.

And before people start, I do know what most of the setting are. I went to classes for an hour and a half every week where we would just focus on one setting, and I’d have to tke photos using just the one setting and write a report of 5,000 words on what that setting does, why it’s useful and how it helps. For every setting on my camera, bar a couple. And Arron’s Dad is a photographer and he spent hours teaching me it.

It’s a lot to take in, and there’s still stuff I can’t work out. So before you tell people your a photographer and start taking photos and having a Facebook page for all your work, think beyond just taking a fucking photo.

Sham they make your teeth black. Oh well, I’m not going anywhere.

I just saw this girls photography page and it was amazing.

I want a Mac so I can edit photos properly. :( That’s on my list of things to buy.

And now the weather’s getting nice I wanna do some photos shoots.

• Arron BMXing. - I did okay with that last time and actually liked a few of my shots, it’s ust my camera was really out of focus but I’ve learnt from that and know how to sort that out.
• Luke skating. - More action shots to add to my portfolio.
• Get some fashion shots in that park with all the pretty trees.
• Get some gothic/grunge kinda fashion shots of someone. Need a model?
• Do some band photography.
• Do some nature photography.
• Do a photoshoot in the rain and hope for the best!

That’s on my list of photography shoots to do before December so I can have them in my portfolio before any Uni interviews. Wish me luck?!

CLOUD, YOU WANNA JOIN ME ON THIS?

Fuck sake. I’m so angry. Again, they made me go overdrawn and failed to notify me so that’s even more charges I didn’t fucking know about. Urghhh. My Mum and me went in to Halifax today. Took some of my trust fund that I shouldn’t have until I’m 21 to clear all these charges that I’m too skint to pay. :( So sad. I can’t close this account until June though when all those charges come out which is fucking bullshit. When my Job Seekers is switched over I’m just gonna march in there and refuse to leave until it’s all paid off and that account is closed. Fuck it, if they can’t take those fees early that’s their own fucking problem. I’ll just fucking sit there until it’s done. I HATE HALIFAX SO MUCH. BUNCH OF MONEY GRABBING CUNTS. They’ll probally be sad to lose me as a customer because they get so much fucking money out of me. Nearly 3 fucking grand that I didn’t know I had. Probally wouldn’t be in this situation now if it wasn’t for them. WANKERS.